Uninterested in Motherhood?

As a 35-year-old single female, the topic of kids comes up often. Both men and women alike are shocked that I don't have any and even more stunned when I tell them, I'm not that interested. If you know me, "not that interested" is progress. Had I been asked if I wanted kids 3 years ago, the answer was a flat-out, "NO" followed by, "However, if my husband is willing and prepared to be the primary parent then it's an option." Responses to my sentiments typically include laughter but then there are the individuals who are shocked that I don't have an interest in doing the thing that women are "supposed to do". Saying things like, "you'll change your mind once you meet the right man."

Now, for clarity, this isn't me suggesting I wouldn't be a good parent. Honestly, I think I would be great. However, my personal experiences growing up led me to believe motherhood was everything except euphoric. My mother did an exceptional job. She always made it happen for me and I am forever grateful. Even still, motherhood looked GHETTO! I didn't see anyone enjoying the experience. I didn't see anyone living fulfilling lives. I didn't see anyone with a child that wasn't holding on by a proverbial thread. I grew up seeing women struggle to make ends meet, struggle to engage fathers, struggle to locate safe and affordable childcare, and struggle with mental health...being a mother represented struggle to me and I wanted no parts of it. And if I'm being honest, even at 35 years old, my friends with kids still don't make it look appealing to me.

But last night, I had a minor breakthrough. One of my fav influencers, Tenicka Boyd (IG: @tenickab) shared her thoughts on marriage and motherhood and it finally clicked for me. I haven't allowed myself to see motherhood through a lens that doesn't involve me losing myself. Raising another human is a full-time job and how could I possibly do that without forfeiting my dreams, goals, and desires as a woman, an ever-evolving human? How could the two ever harmoniously co-exist?

Perhaps my inability to separate the experience from the possibilities and my ability to curate a life that makes sense for me is the reason it has been a strong no. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing and I can have it all, whatever that looks like for me.

What the future holds for me I'm not exactly sure. However, like with everything else in my life, I'm giving myself the space to be happy, evolve, grow, and change my mind. After all, I am creating the life of MY DREAMS and no one else.